I Choose Love

Today, driving my privileged dogs to their privileged hike in the mountains of beautiful Ojai, I had to pull over to the side of the road.  I couldn’t see through my tears.  A mother was on the radio.  She spoke of her son, a boy killed in the nightclub in Orlando.

In the aftermath of this shooting, I know this:  This one feels terrible.  This one feels personal.  This one feels like something must be done.

There are conversations about who to blame.   It’s guns, or politics, or radical religious views, or mental illness.   We want to point at someone or something to alleviate some of our helplessness.

We want to hate someone.

I feel the urge to hate people who hate gay people.  “Really?” I say.  “You’re going to hate someone because of who they love?   Could you possibly grow the F. up and re-think that?”

Yes, I want to hate, I want to succumb to anger, it would be so much easier.  But years of spiritual training, meditation, prayer and an earnest desire to do right kick in.  Grudgingly, so grudgingly I loosen my white knuckled grip on my reality of comforting disdain.

And I try and answer hatred with love.

I force myself.

lotusI force myself to find love in the darkness for the darkness urges us towards the light of compassion.  Like a lotus rising out of the dung, compassion remains birth-less without a shadow.

In compassion, I love the mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, friends and pets who lost someone dear.

I love the lost lives.  Young people filled with hope and plans and longing.  I do my best to trust that they are in a sweet place with a greater perspective.

I love the helpers – the hundreds of people standing in line to give blood, literally rolling up their sleeves to donate to strangers in disguise.

I love Trader Joe’s, who fed the blood-line people.

I love the capacity for healing that comes from this.  Will we wake up?  Will we see that love is love?   Will we claim Martin Luther King’s directive to drive out darkness with light?

And if I’m really in a good place – someday, maybe not today – but someday I may find the capacity to love those who hate.

Maybe I can love those who kill others, these desperate souls of fear and anguish.  They project their own self-hatred on an innocent world.

Maybe I can love the people who will politicize this, people who want to win, to be seen and heard.

Maybe, if I can’t love, I can at least see that hate seeks a target.

Maybe I can see we’ve been doing this for eons.

And maybe I can confuse the target-seeking-hatred with my love.

What will that look like?

I don’t know.  But I suspect it has something to do with micro-choices in the moment that are the exact opposite of what my ego would want.

When a preacher in a church I visited mocks Ellen Degeneres (years ago) for coming out of the closet, love looks like taking him quietly aside and saying “I admire Ellen for her courage.”  I didn’t take this action at that time. I stalked out of the church.  I still regret it.

Or it looks like wanting to teach a class at my church in California.  The class originated in Tennessee and the contract says that I can give a discount to straight couples but not gay couples.  My ego wanted to go on a rampage.  My soul led me to a respectful conversation with the creators of the class where we both shared our “policies,” and I politely declined theirs.

Or it looks like the knowing that gay or straight is not the issue.  Really, sexual orientation is about as provocative as eye color.  Race is not the issue.  Religion is not the issue.   The issue is recognizing that all I have is my life.  My life is my opportunity; my relationships are my playing field.  And in every interaction, I have three choices.  I can tear someone down; I can be indifferent; I can build someone up.

I choose love.

I can’t do it alone.

I pray to God, my church, my friends, my family, the strangers I encounter and my ridiculous ego that humbles me every day.

I pray, please help me.

Please help us.

Let us choose love.  And so it is.

24 thoughts on “I Choose Love

  1. Teri

    Your heartfelt message touched me, a gay woman married by you in your,our church. The senseless loss in Orlando is so hard to wrap our caring and meaning-seeking minds around. Let me just share with you that As a gay person it is hard to find places where you can feel wrapped in love and safe to be who you truly are. That’s what I have found in our church and for that I do you send you lots of love!!!!

    Reply
    1. bystarlight123 Post author

      Oh Teri, thank you for that kindness. It brings me joy to know that we provide a loving space. Love to you both – Bonnie

      Reply
    2. Rick

      Teri,
      True that!
      As a hetero, overly macho tendencied, comfortably set white male, I love that we all can find that Place wrapped in love and safe to look around and know we are a very loving group all brought together in that light.

      Reply
  2. Mary Fitzgerald

    I am with you Bonnie! I choose love too! It isn’t always the easiest route but it always gets you to the right place. Love is all there is!!!!!

    Reply
  3. Duchess Dale

    Beautiful. Thanks for articulating what was tossing around in my head.

    May I read your post to my folks tomorrow night at at Prayer Circle I am offering at SFCSL?
    And could you send me a copy of that beautiful rainbow flag, too?

    Thanks

    Love ya

    Reply
    1. bystarlight123 Post author

      Absolutely yes -and I will send you the flag photo. I’m never sure which email to use. Can you email me so I make sure I use the right one?
      Love to you and thank you for your kind words. xoxo

      Reply
  4. Nancy Cathey

    Bless you dear Rev. Bon. As a gay woman I appreciate your compassion and support as always, but just as a huma being, American, person, I so feel your anquish, helplessness and powerful need to act.
    We know it’s about love and forgiveness and choosing those are all I know how to do right now, but we just have to find a way to do more. Only the God within me can make it happen for me. I pray that the God within each of us takes it from here.

    Reply
  5. Sherrill Dodge

    I’ve never understood how people think they have the right to not like or hate someone because they are different. We all want to be loved and excepted for who we are. We are all different in many ways that’s what makes us beautiful!
    I choose LOVE always!

    Reply
  6. Deana

    Thank you for noticing our contradictions and still persevering in love, even when hate shows up. It’s hard to quietly and lovingly talk with haters, and the violence provokes us. (As it should make us stand up to correct it!) Only love can vanquish hate…This seems true. Finding the ability to love within us is not easy. This shooter now appears to have visited this night club at times, and may have repressed his feelings toward men himself. Self love. Thank you Bonnie.

    Reply
  7. Sue

    Thank you for these lovely thoughts and for sharing the truth of where you are and how you work through this. Horrible events put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I hope to ride it consciously and toward a destination of love.

    Reply
    1. bystarlight123 Post author

      Thanks Sue – know that you have noble companions on that roller coaster with you and we’re all headed for greater love. xo

      Reply

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